"The moon, while full of craters, isn’t perfect. The sea, though stunning, is salty and dark beneath the surface. The sky stretches endlessly, yet it’s often clouded." - Bob Marley
In this day and age, perfectionism is often considered a virtue and a cornerstone of success. However, when it begins to control our self-esteem, self-worth, and identity, it can actually hold us back. Recognizing the impact and type of perfectionism, along with ways to practice self-compassion, are crucial to overcoming the burden of unrealistic expectations.
What is Perfectionism?
Psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gorden Flett identified three forms of perfectionism that are explained below (Hewitt, 2008).
1. Self-Oriented Perfectionism
Self-oriented perfectionism is essentially adopting unrealistic expectations of yourself and being hard on yourself when they haven’t been met. For example: Jake has to achieve a 4.0 in college and if he doesn’t, he will know he is a failure.
2. Other-Oriented Perfectionism
Other-oriented perfectionism refers to adopting unrealistic expectations of others and being hard on them when they don’t meet the expectations. For example: Christy needs her team members to show up to meetings 30 minutes early just like her, because they need to take this project seriously.
3. Socially-Prescribed Perfectionism
Socially-prescribed perfectionism is adopting the belief that others have unrealistic expectations of you and that others will judge you if you don’t meet these expectations. For example: Kenya believes that she needs to dress up and style her hair every time she hangs out with her friends. She fears that if she doesn’t look put-together, then her friends will think she doesn’t fit in with the group.
Let’s explore deeper into how perfectionism impacts self-esteem. Perfectionism often means we find ourselves being motivated by fear of failure. As a result, our self-worth starts being dependent on achievements and unrealistic standards - loving and honoring ourselves becomes this prize to be earned.
So what happens when we find ourselves in the depths of perfectionism or notice we are developing harmful perfectionistic tendencies? Well, self-compassion serves as a buffer to the consequences of perfectionism. The drive to succeed or have high self-standards is not detrimental if paired with self-compassion. Self-compassion can decrease the internalization of setbacks and failures, and instill emotional resilience.
To overcome the consequences of perfectionism, start by acknowledging your perfectionistic tendencies and identify patterns of harmful self-criticism. Then begin to incorporate compassionate self-talk by reframing setbacks as opportunities for growth and recognizing your wins on a routine basis. One way to practice building self-compassion right now is by trying out the exercise below!
Exercise: Self-Compassion Letter
Instructions:
Think about a recent time when you felt you weren’t “good enough” or made a mistake.
Imagine a loved one is experiencing the same situation. What kind and supportive words would you say to them?
Write a letter to yourself using that same compassion and humanity. Acknowledge your efforts, feelings, and grievances. But also remind yourself that imperfection is part of being human and perfection is a flow.
Breaking Free From Perfectionism
Perfectionism can leave you more vulnerable to burnout, low self-esteem, and mental health issues. By setting an intention to tap into your compassionate self through letters, utilizing positive self-talk, and celebrating your wins, you will be able to pave a path that will nurture you toward growth and wellness.
Change toward progress takes time, but every step makes a difference in achieving a more fulfilling journey. Do you want to deepen your wellness journey? At Wellness Tree Counseling, we’re here to support and empower you every step of the way. Contact us today to book your intake screening call.
About Wellness Tree Counseling...
Our mission at Wellness Tree Counseling is to promote wellness through a culturally sensitive lens so that individuals, families and communities are encouraged to rise to their full potential and engage life in meaningful ways.
Our vision is to provide the BIPOC community with comprehensive holistic care that empowers and equips them with skills to work toward improved mental health and well-being. We take great pride in treating the whole-person.
At Wellness Tree Counseling, we value treating our clients and community with C.A.R.E. (Compassion, Affirming, Respect, & Empathy).
To learn more about our services, please visit www.wellnesstreecounseling.com
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